What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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