Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
