Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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