Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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