PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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