grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
