3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
