you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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