I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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