I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize