Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
