just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
