oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
