It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
