wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
