it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So much rum. So many feels.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
