DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize