I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
