woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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