i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
