Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
