turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
