nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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