fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
