I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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