Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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