how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
