I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
