nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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