i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Randomize
