I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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