He told me they were just razor bumps!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
