My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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