I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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