I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
