If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
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Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
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What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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