In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
