new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
