Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
