When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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