Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
