Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
