i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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