i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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