5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
