So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
sarcasm needs its own font
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
