Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Life is so much better after having sex.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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