Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's shark week go big or go home
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
