Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
