Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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