apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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