did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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