I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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