508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
