i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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