I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
