First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
