you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
